Pain, Sorrow, and Suffering.....Making Sense Of It.

It has taken me a long time to talk about this....I feel I am strong enough now....and it is time. I have always struggled with pain and suffering, the thought that God is always with you in the midst of it. The words, " he will never leave you or fore sake you ", that we toss in the direction of those whose world lays in rubble around their feet.
I think there are times on the grand stage of life, when a crisis of pain and suffering happen and the director/producer seem to have left the scene. The camera is left running. There is no one to explain what just happened, why it happened...or how the rest of the story will evolve. It's a freeze frame moment. You are stunned. Life's breath seems to have been sucked out of you. The hard drive in your head whirls frantically, trying to compute to make sense out of anything. In your free fall, you search for anything to hang on to.
I understand the concept of God being the great " I am ", the beginning, the end and every thing in between. But, there are times, when...you are on stage alone.
The Psalmist muses, All the days ordained for me were
written in your book before one of them came to be."
What does that mean?

Did God have script already written for me stashed away in the heavenly archives. Did God yell, " Action ", and I prepared to enter the stage of life.Did it unfold as initially written? Or is the script being edited as the act of living my life unfolds?
Can I proclaim with the certitude of the Psalmist, or do I imagine something else?
Over the past year and a half...I have suffered two pregnancy losses. Both tragically felt...the recovery has been slow for me. I have searched my soul..asked why a million times....and offered up my very soul to accept whatever outcome God has for me and my children. And yet the pain lingers...the loss is felt deep....in every sun ray it hurts, in any vase of flowers, in any pleasure I feel ...it reflects on the pain I feel at the same time. It feels like a line in a song I heard..."Sunny days seem to hurt the most...Feels like I'm wearing a heavy coat. " And an other said "Who said Providence can take a child from his Mother while she's praying" Was this a punishment...some kind of chastisement...was I not healthy enough....was I not good enough? One Lab report said placenta failure to develop. So painful to hear after seeing your baby move...and watching a fluttering heartbeat. Was this the script that was written by a grand director/ producer that I was to loose my babies.

Enter, pain and suffering...my world lay in rubble at my feet. As if hit by the wind of a hurricane, my well constructed faith was scattered debris in all directions. And the director, where was he...suddenly the stage, the theater was empty. The lights had been turned out, not even an " exit " light illuminated a path for escape. I was alone...utterly alone.
" I will never leave you or fore sake you ", " all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be" Where was the director, and who would write such a bizarre sick script and expect us to faithfully act it out. For months I tried to digest the above words. They only added to my pain and suffering, they tormented me. I had so many questions. I wept, I screamed into the depth of the darkness that seemed to be swallowing me. I heard nothing...nothing, not even a whisper.
It seemed the only person I could relate to was Job. If the script I was living out was unbearable, Job's script was absolutely insane. Just when things couldn't possibly get any worse, they got worse. And Job had questions. If there was a script, he wanted answers...why!!!
But what really upset me was, Job did finally get to question God. But in an even more bizarre twist, Job's why questions were thrown back to him with more questions from God. So in the end, did Job fair better than me? Sure he was restored, life returned to normal...even better than normal, but there really was no answer to his pain and suffering. About the only thing Job could say with certitude was God is God. That some how he is the beginning, the end and everything in between. But as to how it all works, how the script comes into play...the actors, the scenes, pain, tragedy and suffering...still so many questions.
For months, I embraced my pain, suffering, sorrow. It was breakfast, lunch and dinner. I lived in the midst of an emotional storm of anger. I came to realize my well constructed faith is fragile, something to be held lightly, and that in pain, sorrow and loss it sometimes breaks. In the end, I pick up pieces, not all the pieces...and I learn to live with new faith.
I believe there are times when we are alone. I believe there is a script to my life, but that it is a script of such imagination that I will never understand it...at least not here, on the stage in which I act out my part.
Pain, suffering and sorrow, are they pre-written into the intimate scripts of our lives? I don't think so. But they are a reality of everyday life. They torment us, and haunt us with never ending questions that we very seldom find answers to. They test faith, reconfigure, and reconstruct faith. And in the end, we likely find like Job did...God is truly God, miraculously he is the beginning, and the end...and everything in between.
I think we find God in the midst of friends, family who hold us, love us, hug us, and cry with us. They some how lift us carry us when we are too weak to even move. It is the hands, the face, the words of the God who is love coming into being. Mysteriously it is Emmanuel...God with us, in the midst of pain suffering and sorrow.

When my road leads into dark storms,
You will light up my eyesight.
When I fall on hard ground,
You will lift me up to rise.

When I face hardship and scorn,
We will together share our portion.
When I suffer in a hopeless sickbed,
We will together battle in each breath.

When I'm lost alone and lingering,
You will be with me, and guide me home.
One day I'll die and depart,
But I truly believe
You will lift me up.

O God, our Savior, listen to our prayer.
Fill our hunger, heal our sickness,
Comfort our souls.
If you wish not to answer,
Then please wait for us,
Because we are about to shut our eyes.

(unknown)

Now my act on stage has a new purpose...I felt overwhelmingly to rise from the ashes of this event with healing in my wings. God did finally answer my unanswered questions...

He said to me as clear as rain......"Mourn with those who mourn...and comfort those who stand in need of comfort." My pain was a lesson...a training ...a preparation to help me to help others who suffer the loss of a pregnancy or an infant. I also Put together Pregnancy and infant loss memory boxes for the hospital to give mothers in the hospital.If anyone would like to donate items for this project please let me know. I call them Butterfly Boxes...a butterfly has a very short lifespan...but a beautiful one that touches all . I was inspired to create a website for grieving mothers...if you know anyone who has suffered such a deep loss...please refer them to the website below...it is a safe place to grieve. This was a labor of love for me.

http://asafeplacetogrieve.blogspot.com/

BESIDE MYSELF

A SAFE PLACE TO GRIEVE PREGNANCY AND INFANT LOSS

Pain Teaches Us We Can Go Another Direction....

     Imagine the joy of having a future of possibilities in front of you, a graduation, a long awaited achievement, a birth of a child, a new career opportunity.A long awaited and saved for vacation, Closing a big business deal that will change everything in your life, a wedding, etc. The list could really go on and on. Now imagine all hopes, dreams, as you had imagined, being swooped away in a flash. News that you were 1/2 of 1/2 percent short of receiving a grade you worked hard for. That baby you so anxiously awaited and wanted,  slips away and you have nothing but empty arms to bring home from the hospital. That new job you thought you were getting, well, you were passed over for the next guy because he was the bosses, cousin's, brother. That vacation you planned and saved so hard for, well that money will be paying for medical bills of a new chronic illness you have developed, And what about that big deal, the one if you close it, you will have a handle on all the problems in your life, but instead, you are cheated by your own client (who was a friend and trusted) and you are told it's not about church, this is business.What about the marriage of your dreams, the one where fairy-tales come true...and it ends up 6 months into it...and you aren't even sure who you married.

    These are just scenarios. But the truth is we all endure times when doors are slamming in our faces. that can be painful. What to do with a big fat NO! No you can't graduate, No! you can't have that new job you worked hard for, NO! you can't have your baby, No! you can't close that life changing deal, No! your vacation will be paying medical bills, No! there will not be a fairy-tale ending to your story!!!!! Got it?????? Your answer to your dreams is NO!!!!!

    Okay, now this is sounding like a really depressing post, well, let me ask you this. Is pain depressing? Oh, yes it can be, and will be, at times. But there are times, maybe few and far between, but real, true times when, pain has something else to say. It is not just saying NO!!!! It  is saying look the other way. Go a different direction. You have a different path. It looks like your in a cave of darkness, but in reality...it's a path into the light. The only gate holding you back sometimes...is not taking your focus off the great big NO!!!!! And looking at your life in the face and saying well, if  I received a NO!!!! about my dreams , then there has to be a YES!!! in another direction. 

    I remember standing in my shower sobbing, I was so weak from crying, I had to lean my head on the wall of the shower. I cried out to God with deepest sorrow, for I had just lost a second baby in a row, over a period of a year. I couldn't understand why he was telling me a big fat NO!!!! I was completely and utterly beside myself. I finally humbled myself , which felt devastating, and cried out, "Okay! I get it! You're telling me NO!!!! Now what in this world am I suppose to do with this pain???? Just because you said NO!!!! Doesn't mean I'm not hurting. And I don't like your answer!"( I do kind of talk back to God sometimes. But he is very patient with me.) I told him "I'm beside myself in sorrow!" So what did pain teach me......in that very dark , painful moment....I heard a voice speak to me.......It was my Higher Power, "This happened to you, so you can weep with those that weep, and comfort those who need comfort.You will start a support group webpage for women with Pregnancy and infant loss. You will get out of your pain and comfort someone else's."

     So that is what Pain taught me, to not go inward with my disappointment, and become bitter, angry, and selfish. But instead go outward and touch, and reach, and bless, another hurting soul. Somehow there is healing in it. I can't put it into words, but it's real and it works. Sometimes when life slams a big fat No!!!! in your face, it's just saying take another direction. Here is my website that has helped many women of loss. If you know anybody this can comfort please feel free to share it.  Beside Myself :A safe lace to Grieve
I have many other Yes'es!!! That resulted from NO's!!!!

    Pain teaches us, we can go another direction.....and it can turn out beautiful! It can turn out to be the biggest YES!!!! of your life.